Wisdom For Living From A Ft. Ashby Native (Edited Version)

A couple finished a nice dinner in the girl's small home town of Ft. Ashby and decided to stop at the 7-Eleven for ice cream. While there, she was spotted by a Ft. Ashby native who was a previous high school ACQUAINTENCE.
As follows is as much as I can remember of the reported encounter and with slight omissions:

Native: "Well, HEY!!!!! (exhuberantly).

Girl: " Hi. I didn't see you..."

Native: "Well, yeah! I've been doing pretty well. I am babysitting 5 kids every afternoon. I make 10 dollars an hour. I'm trying to save some money. I'm trying to save up for a cell phone. I already got myself an mp3 player. The problem is my kid needs diapers. I just found out that his dad got married and it really hurt right here (hits heart). He got her knocked up after he knocked me up. But I got me a good guy right now. He doesn't whore around and I don't whore around either. I just don't understand why people cheat. "

Girl: "Well, that's good."

Native: "Yeah, I just heard on Good Morning America that if you get tempted to have sex, you should eat a piece of chocolate and I was like, H*#@, yeah!!!!!! I love chocolate."

Girl: "Well, I guess we better get going. It was really nice to see you..."

Native: " Say what are you guys doing tonight? Don't get knocked up. Trust me, I know."